23 Expert Insights on the Dynamics of Modern Relationships
From Psychologists, Relationship Coaches, Scientists & a Divorce Lawyer
I believe that the rise of Psychedelics will significantly benefit relationships, a perspective I've formed based on my own experiences & observations. One key factor in this is judgment, which often leads to contempt & subsequently damages relationships. Judgment is essentially a surface-level expression of the ego. Psychedelics, by diminishing the ego's influence, enable us to perceive our partners in their true essence, unmarred by societal conditioning that labels certain traits as undesirable.
A less discussed yet common issue in relationships is historical jealousy, which involves being jealous of a partner's past actions, even those before the relationship began. Psychedelics, by anchoring us in the present moment, help us understand that the past is irrelevant to the current state of our relationship. They allow adults to 'play' and experience uninhibited bliss, either reigniting or preserving the joy that is fundamental to great relationships.
However, without a clear understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship, the positive effects of these Psychedelic experiences might be short-lived. Thus, I've extensively researched & compiled a list of relationship insights from various experts, which I hope you will find as enlightening as I did when putting it together.
Human Behavioral Variance (Robert Sapolsky): Unlike most animals, humans do not fit neatly into categories of strictly tournament species or purely pair-bonding species. There is considerable variation in behavior from one individual to another, which can be partly attributed to the number of vasopressin receptors (this observation aligns with Sapolsky's theory that questions the existence of free will, suggesting that our actions may be more influenced by biological factors than previously thought). This might give some credence to the recent societal increase in polyamory. However, I suspect there's a more Machiavellian dynamic at work. Studies indicate that women tend to rate men higher when they are seen with an attractive woman. This suggests that men might be leveraging this phenomenon to enhance their appeal to other women by being observed with a primary partner.
Intra-sex Competition (Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt): In a study on intra-sex competition, two women were unknowingly filmed during an interaction that was interrupted twice by the same woman. The first interruption featured her in conservative attire, and during this, the participants were generally unbothered and often made positive remarks about her. However, when she interrupted again, this time wearing revealing clothing, the participants' reactions were markedly different. They were rude to her face, and in almost every instance of this study, which was conducted hundreds of times, they continued to make disparaging comments about her even after she had left. Vaillancourt interprets the results of this study as supporting her theory that the majority of 'slut-shaming' (in Western cultures) is predominantly perpetrated by women against other women. In the realm of relationships, it is generally observed that secure men appreciate it when their partner chooses to wear suggestive or alluring attire.
Women's Influence on Men (Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt): A study demonstrated that men tend to exhibit less risky behavior when crossing a road if a woman is present. This finding suggests that women have a domesticating influence on men, reducing their propensity to engage in potentially dangerous actions.
Body Count vs. Rejection Count (Sadia Khan): The concept of 'body count,' a modern term referring to the number of sexual partners someone has had, should be considered alongside one's rejection count. For instance, a person who has had twenty partners but frequently turns down advances may actually be more selective or cautious than someone with a lower body count who rarely receives such offers. This perspective suggests that both factors play a role in understanding someone's approach to relationships & intimacy.
Men’s Mating Strategies (Sadia Khan): Men employ both long-term & short-term mating strategies, which are influenced by a woman's attractiveness & attainability. Therefore, if a woman informs her partner that an attractive woman at a party is promiscuous, it may inadvertently trigger his short-term mating strategy. This is because acknowledging the other woman's perceived promiscuity could increase her desirability in the context of short-term, rather than long-term, relationship considerations. Khan posits that exceptionally attractive women often become jaded due to consistently triggering men's short-term mating strategies. This constant activation leads them to frequently encounter the less commendable behaviors of the opposite sex, such as receiving persistent advances from married men, work colleagues, and others.
Nature of Love (Joscha Bach): Bach describes love as the discovery of shared purpose and the recognition of the sacred in the other. Love is the only facilitator of non-transactional interaction in the human condition. Bach’s view suggests that love is about finding someone who aligns with your deepest values and with whom you can pursue meaningful goals, creating a bond that transcends the ordinary.
Peace in Relationships (Dr. Andrew Huberman): Dr. Huberman identifies peace as the primary tenet of a healthy relationship. He defines peace as the absence of distraction, enabling focused attention on the person and the relationship when together, free from the upset of past issues or external responsibilities. Similarly, when apart, it allows for undivided attention to work & personal responsibilities. Thus, peace & focus are intricately linked, with distraction being the main adversary to both peace & focus.
Successful Relationship Traits (Dr. Andrew Huberman): A key question Dr. Huberman poses about relationships is whether the partners truly delight in each other's presence. He emphasizes 'delight' over 'happiness' as the critical term, noting that happiness can be fleeting (like the diminishing joy of multiple ice creams), whereas delight suggests a consistent, peaceful bliss experienced together. It involves a shared eagerness for both the mundane and the adventurous moments of life. Mutual support, acceptance, trust, laughter, and admiration are essential. For example, even when one partner recounts a story for the umpteenth time at a party, the other remains fully engaged, savoring every word. It's crucial that both partners actively choose and enjoy being in the relationship. Successful couples often lay the foundation with a strong friendship. Dr. Huberman also stresses the importance of overt contracts over covert ones in maintaining a healthy relationship, advocating for clear & explicit agreements between partners.
Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse (Dr. John Gottman): Dr. Gottman identifies four key behaviors that are detrimental to relationships: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Among these, he emphasizes that contempt is the most damaging and often unsurvivable, marking a critical point of deterioration in a relationship.
The Erosive Power of Contempt (Dr. Shannon Curry): Building upon Dr. John Gottman's concept of the four horsemen of relationship downfall, Dr. Shannon Curry, recognized for her expert testimony in the Johnny Depp v Amber Heard trial, emphasizes that contempt is the swiftest & most destructive force in a relationship. She characterizes contempt as a heightened form of criticism, or 'criticism on steroids,' underscoring its profoundly corrosive effect.
What Makes a Relationship Great (Dr. Shannon Curry): Dr. Shannon Curry outlines key elements that contribute to a great relationship. These include genuine attunement to each other's needs, fostering an 'us against the world' mentality, and consistently keeping one another in mind. Healthy couples often engage in what Curry terms 'bids for affection.' This can be as simple as bringing water for their partner when getting some for themselves, staying up late to watch a show together, or looking up from their laptop to acknowledge a joke their partner made. These small acts of consideration & togetherness play a significant role in nurturing a strong & healthy relationship.
The 3 Traits of a Healthy Relationship (Dr. Shannon Curry): Dr. Curry highlights these three behavioral traits as the most essential for a healthy & fulfilling relationship:
Conscientiousness: This trait reflects how attentive & thoughtful partners are towards each other. It extends beyond mere kindness. For example, if one partner texts about being at the grocery store, does the other simply respond with ‘ok’, or do they engage more thoughtfully, perhaps offering to pick up the kids from school to ease their partner's load?
Low in Neuroticism: Both partners exhibit stability in this aspect. They take responsibility for their actions ('own their shit'), are generally content, lead satisfying lives, and maintain a calm, unchaotic, and easy-going demeanor.
Moderate Adventurousness: While a certain level of novelty-seeking is healthy, extremely adventurous individuals may constantly chase new projects, potentially neglecting the relationship. It's beneficial to be with someone who values & prioritizes simpler things, such as home life & family.
How to Select a Long-term Partner (Dr. Shannon Curry): Dr. Curry suggests that our current approach to choosing long-term partners is flawed. Instead of being primarily guided by dopamine-driven excitement and how the person makes us feel, we should consider more substantive questions. For instance:
In a scenario where we have a special needs child, would this person be attentive & involved enough to remember the teacher's name for any necessary communications?
If a situation arises where my mother falls ill, how open & willing would they be to the idea of having her move in with us?
These questions encourage us to look beyond immediate emotional gratification and consider the practical, long-term aspects of partnership & caregiving.
Mature Love (Dr. Nicole LePera): Mature love involves several key behaviors & attitudes. It means clearly & directly asking for what you want & understanding that your partner cannot fulfill every need. It's about encouraging your partner to engage in activities that bring them fulfillment. It also involves learning to navigate difficult conversations effectively. Mature love requires taking responsibility for your own actions, especially when upset. It's about the ability to both give & take space as needed within the relationship. Finally, it encompasses creating stability by consistently following through on your commitments & promises.
Bonding Mechanisms (Adam Lane Smith): Smith explains that women primarily bond through the hormone oxytocin, while men typically bond through dopamine. This distinction in bonding mechanisms is why sexual encounters, such as sex on the first date or a 'friends with benefits' arrangement, tend not to be as fulfilling for women, particularly if they experience an orgasm, due to the oxytocin release fostering a deeper emotional connection.
Dating, Authenticity & Red Flags (Adam Lane Smith): Smith observes that men who focus more on appearing interesting rather than being authentic during dates may have experienced a lack of attention from their mothers. He also identifies an excessive preoccupation with politics or sports teams as a red flag, suggesting it could signal turmoil in their personal life. This is particularly evident when their locus of control is externalized, such as relying on a political candidate for salvation or overly identifying with a sports team's victory, indicating a desire for external sources of rescue or validation.
Desired Qualities in Partners (Adam Lane Smith): According to Smith, women tend to look for men who are honorable & stable. Conversely, men place a high value on qualities such as kindness, honesty, and loyalty in their partners.
Dynamics of Divorce (Adam Lane Smith): Smith notes that women initiate approximately 70% of divorces, often after extensive efforts to salvage the relationship. Men frequently express surprise at the onset of divorce proceedings, indicating a failure to recognize or respond to earlier warning signs in the relationship.
Importance of Emotional Intimacy for Men (Adam Lane Smith): Smith emphasizes the crucial need for men to earnestly participate in both giving & receiving love. While this can be challenging for many men, it's essential for the long-term vitality of a relationship.
Couples Therapy (Adam Lane Smith): Smith points out that men frequently face criticism in initial therapy sessions, largely because women tend to be more adept at articulating relationship problems upfront. He suggests that the low success rates often associated with couples therapy stem from couples seeking help too late in the relationship's deterioration. Smith argues that if therapy is pursued at the earliest signs of trouble, the outcomes could be significantly more positive.
Respect vs. Love for Men (Adam Lane Smith): Smith emphasizes that for many men, the most impactful words they can hear from a woman are not 'I love you' but rather 'I respect you.' He notes that men often place a higher value on respect than love, as it embodies key qualities like trust, honor, and integrity. Respect & admiration from their partners are crucial to men's perception of a successful relationship.
Disconnection in Relationships (James Sexton): Sexton likens disconnection in relationships to bankruptcy, it occurs gradually & then all at once.
True Romance (James Sexton): Sexton observes that successful couples are those who not only support each other but also genuinely admire one another. He encapsulates this ideal of authenticity & deep connection with a reference to the 1993 movie 'True Romance.' In a memorable scene, Patricia Arquette's character expresses her affection for Christian Slater's character by holding up a post-it note that simply reads 'you're so cool.' According to Sexton, this gesture symbolizes the ultimate goal in a relationship.
Psychedelic Experiences & Relationship Insights: When approached with proper intention & integrated effectively, Psychedelic experiences have the potential to address, enhance, or introduce every insight discussed in this list. This emerging renaissance in Psychedelic use transcends mere trends seen in fashion or food. It addresses a deeper societal issue: our increasing disconnection.
The sexual revolution began as a positive force, achieving crucial societal objectives. However, as with many movements, it seems to have swung too far in the opposite direction. We're now seeing unprecedented rates of divorce, with children in single-parent homes often facing more challenges than those in two-parent households. Additionally, loneliness is more prevalent than ever.
Psychedelics offer a means to bridge the gaps that inevitably arise in relationships, acting as a tool for deeper connection & understanding. However, knowing the playbook – understanding the dynamics & traits of successful relationships – is key to truly reaping the benefits of these experiences.
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Another incredible and insightful write up. Thank you.
IMO we need more community support for children so “single” parents and coupled parents don’t have kids having entirely different experiences.