“It is the simple capacity to make another person feel seen and understood — that hard but essential skill that makes a person a treasured co-worker, citizen, lover, spouse, and friend.” - David Brooks
The sense of isolation in our society has reached epidemic proportions. Originally hailed as a tool for connection, social media has ironically contributed to our division. In public spaces like Starbucks, restaurants, and airports, it's commonplace to see individuals absorbed in their phones & computers, disconnected from their surroundings. Even during conversations, there's often a nagging urge, a mental countdown, pulling our attention back to the digital notifications awaiting us on our devices. This constant distraction can erode relationships, sometimes leading to their dissolution or even infidelity, as individuals feel increasingly unseen by their partners. Regrettably, this has become the reality of our modern world. We don’t see each other.
It's crucial to recognize our inherent need for connection. The human desire to be seen & acknowledged is not just a social preference but a fundamental necessity. We are, by nature, a tribal species, with the instinct to belong deeply embedded in our DNA. This primal urge harks back to our early ancestors, where being ostracized from the group would have meant certain death. In those times, the tribe provided not just social interaction, but essential survival resources. Our modern landscape has evolved, but this intrinsic need to connect and be part of a community remains as vital as ever. This disconnection, exacerbated by the digital age, not only impacts our emotional well-being but also contradicts the very essence of our evolutionary makeup.
In his captivating new book, "How to Know a Person," David Brooks delves into the intricate art of truly seeing others. It's challenging to think of a more influential contemporary author than Brooks, whose works like "The Social Animal," "The Second Mountain," and "The Road to Character" are indispensable reads. Brooks accurately pinpoints the reasons behind our failure to genuinely 'see' each other.
Brooks’s skill in storytelling shines as he presents narratives of individuals who have managed to truly see others, exploring their methods & insights. I believe these stories are intended to equip readers with innovative ways of engaging with others. However, simply reading these accounts isn’t enough to fundamentally shift our ability to connect with our fellow humans. This is a limitation I've observed in many self-help books, and biographies too often fall into the same trap — experience, rather than knowledge, is what fosters real change.
While reading about the barriers to meaningful interaction as highlighted by Brooks, I was struck by how my own Psychedelic experiences have addressed many of these issues, bridging gaps of disconnection. Mystical experiences have opened doors to understanding people in ways previously unimaginable to me. While Brooks adeptly identifies the problems, Psychedelics might just offer a viable solution.
In this article, I outline the barriers to connection as outlined by Brooks and provide my insights on how Psychedelics overcome these obstacles. I conclude with a personal story that illustrates a time when I failed to truly see someone else.
EGOTISM. The number one reason people don’t see other is that they are too self-centered to try. I can’t see you because I’m all about myself. Let me tell you my opinion. Let me entertain you with this story about myself. Many people are unable to step outside of their own point of view. They are simply not curious about other people.
Psychedelic experiences are well-documented for facilitating a dissolution of the ego. During these journeys, individuals often report a sense of 'ego death,' where the boundaries of self-importance & individual identity blur or disappear altogether. This temporary suspension of ego-centric thinking opens the door to a more empathetic, outward-looking perspective. It allows one to truly connect with others, fostering a deep sense of understanding & compassion that is often elusive in our everyday, ego-bound states.
ANXIETY. The number two reason people don’t see others is that they have so much noise in their own heads, they can’t hear what’s going on in other heads. How am I coming across? I don’t think this person really likes me. What am I going to say next to appear clever? Fear is the enemy of open communication.
According to a study published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, Psychedelics, particularly Psilocybin, have shown promising results in reducing anxiety. The research found that Psilocybin therapy significantly decreased anxiety & depression in patients with life-threatening cancer diagnoses. These findings are echoed in other studies suggesting that Psychedelics can facilitate a reduction in anxiety by promoting a sense of connectedness, reducing rumination, and altering the perception of problems or stressors. By quieting the anxious mind, Psychedelics can potentially enhance our ability to engage more authentically & openly with others, fostering a deeper, more empathetic form of communication.
NAIVE REALISM. This is the assumption that the way the world appears to you is the objective view, and therefore everyone else must see the same reality you do. People in the grip of naive realism are so locked into their own perspective, they can’t appreciate that other people have very different perspectives. You may have heard the old story about a man by a river. A woman standing on the opposite shore shouts to him: “How do I get to the other side of the river?” And the man shouts back: “You are on the other side of the river!”
A mystical experience facilitated by Psychedelics can profoundly shift this self-centered worldview. These experiences often dissolve the rigid boundaries of personal perception, allowing individuals to step outside their usual frame of reference. They offer a glimpse into the myriad ways reality can be perceived & understood, revealing the multifaceted nature of human experience. By breaking down these mental constructs, Psychedelics can dramatically broaden one’s understanding & appreciation of different perspectives, fostering a more empathetic & open-minded approach to the world and the people in it.
THE LESSER-MINDS PROBLEM. University of Chicago psychologist Nicholas Epley points out that in day-to-day life we have access to the many thoughts that run through our own minds. But we don’t have access to all the thoughts that are running through other people’s minds. We just have access to the tiny portion they speak out loud.This leads to the perception that I am much more complicated than you — deeper, more subtle, and more high-minded. To demonstrate this phenomenon, Epley asked his business school students why they were going into business. The common answer was “I care about doing something worthwhile.” When he asked them why they thought other students at the school were going into business, they commonly replied, “For the money.” You know, because other people have less motivations…and lesser minds.
Psychedelics have the potential to bridge this gap in understanding & empathy. By dissolving the ego and the barriers it creates, these substances can open us to the rich inner lives of others. They enable a deeper recognition of the common human experience, challenging the notion that we are fundamentally different or more complex than those around us. This can lead to a profound sense of unity & empathy, encouraging us to look beyond surface-level interactions and appreciate the intricate & multifaceted nature of every individual's inner world.
OBJECTIVISM. This is what market researchers, pollsters, and social scientists do. They observe behavior, design surveys, and collect data on people. This a great way to understand the trends among populations of people, but it’s a terrible way to see an individual person. If you adopt this detached, dispassionate, and objective stance, it’s hard to see the most important parts of that person, her unique subjectivity — her imagination, sentiments, desires, creativity, intuitions, faith, emotions, and attachments — the cast of this unique person’s inner world.
Psychedelics can offer a counterpoint to this objectivist approach. By facilitating experiences that transcend ordinary perception & reasoning, these substances can help us delve into the depths of our own subjectivity and that of others. In the Psychedelic state, the barriers that separate the objective from the subjective tend to dissolve, allowing a more holistic understanding of the self and others. This can lead to a deeper appreciation of the individual as a complex, multifaceted being, not just a data point in a larger trend. It's an invitation to embrace the entirety of a person's being, including those aspects that are often invisible in everyday interactions.
ESSENTIALISM. People belong to groups, and there’s a natural human tendency to make generalizations about them: Germans are orderly, Californians are laid-back. These generalizations occasionally have some basis in reality. But they are all false to some degree, and they are all hurtful to some degree. Essentialists don’t recognize this. Essentialists are quick to use stereotypes to categorize vast swaths of people. Essentialism is the belief that certain groups actually have an “essential” and immutable nature. Essentialists imagine that people in one group are more alike than they really are. They imagine that people in other groups are more different from “us” than they really are. Essentialists are guilty of “stacking.” This is the practice of learning one thing about a person, then making a whole series of further assumptions about that person. If this person supported Donald Trump, then this person must also be like this, this, this, and this.
Experiences induced by Psychedelics challenge & break down these essentialist views. By inducing profound states of empathy & connectedness, Psychedelics can help individuals see beyond superficial group identities & stereotypes. These substances foster a deeper understanding that, despite superficial differences, there is a fundamental human commonality that binds us. Psychedelic experiences can illuminate the unique complexity of each individual, encouraging a shift from a simplistic, categorical view of people to a more nuanced & empathetic perspective. This shift fosters a greater appreciation for the diverse tapestry of human experiences & the common ground we all share.
THE STATIC MINDSET. Some people formed a certain conception of you, one that may even have been largely accurate at some point in time. But then you grew up. You changed profoundly. And those people never updated their models to see you now for how you really are. If you’re an adult who has gone home to stay with your parents and realized that they still think of you as the child you no longer are, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
The static mindset becomes increasingly problematic in a world where personal growth & healing are actively pursued, especially through modalities like Psychedelics. These experiences often catalyze profound changes in individuals, reshaping their personalities, beliefs, and outlooks on life. This brings us to the importance of flexibility in our perceptions of others. In a recent conversation counseling a friend through a breakup, I lightly mentioned the extensive personal work required in such situations. Half-jokingly, I reflected that this is probably what past partners were advised about me years ago. This humor, like in many jokes, carries a grain of truth. It highlights the need for continuous reevaluation & understanding, not only of others but also of ourselves, as we evolve. As we and those around us grow & change, particularly through transformative experiences like Psychedelics, it's crucial to update our perceptions & interactions to align with these new realities.
A particular passage in David Brooks' book triggered a poignant memory from a past relationship, underscoring the profound importance of truly seeing someone. My partner was going through a difficult time. One afternoon, I arrived at her home to find her lying on the floor, engulfed in tears. Instinctively, I leaped into problem-solving mode and tried to lift her up. After several attempts, she reluctantly acquiesced, took my hand, and rose from the floor. To my astonishment, her demeanor remained unchanged despite what I thought was a successful intervention. She remained distant & detached.
Reflecting on that moment now, I realize that physically lifting her wasn't what she needed at all. She was fully capable of getting up by herself. What she truly needed was for me to simply lie down beside her, to share in her moment of vulnerability. That act would have spoken volumes, conveying empathy & understanding. Most importantly, it would have made her feel seen.
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Fantastic article Andrew. I love the 7 obstructions to true connection. I think another one is the fact that we tend to live in individual shelters today rather than with the extended family as we did for so many millennia. It is easier to empathize with people we see sporadically than those we live with. Seeing our partner or housemate can be very challenging, but rewarding.
Another great article with a lot of actionable insights. Thanks Andrew!